I recently searched online for the question of how an adult abuse survivor might go about suing his or her abusive parent. The results I got astounded me, but they shouldn’t have. I know my country wants parents abusing its kids. It makes this clear so many ways. This is just one more.
First, the cultural. Most of the search results lead to other people asking my question. The responses they get range from “You’d be much better off just getting therapy” (yes, because clearly all adult abused kids are well-to-do and can afford the extensive therapy required to get over the abuse) to “now you sit right down, you ungrateful shit, and list all the GOOD things your parent did for you, since obviously, having donated part of your zygote, this person loved you and you are an asshole” to things like this trip to the little shop of horrors, in which someone asks Yahoo: “Can i sue my parents because they hit me?”
Consider first what you did to contribute to the situation.
There is never a reason to strike another person, but, you could have very well pushed them to their limit.
Underlying all of this is the myth that every child who complains of having experienced poor parenting is obviously a spoiled shit who in fact had everything too easy and isn’t grateful for the massive self-sacrifices her zygote donor obviously made. Also underlying it is the assumption that such a suit would be revenge rather than justice. To which the abuse survivors explain that, no, they want to see the parent held accountable in some fashion. Publicly.
Another reason I can think of for suing would be to send a message to other abusive parents: you might get away with this while I’m under your control, but after that? Oh, yes, there could indeed be consequences.
The doublethink required here is extraordinary. I mean, you just know these people answering these question are all the same people who read about horrid abuse cases in the paper and think “hanging’s not good enough for those parents.” But when someone puts a face on it, when someone says “I was abused”, they go into denial. Why? Why do they automatically, unthinkingly assume the parent is the one being wronged?
It’s a bit like assuming every alleged rape is really just a case of some vicious bitch lying. Why not? We’re big on victim blaming.
Then I found some forum posters who claimed that in most states, you have until the age of 20 or 21 to sue an abusive parent. As far as I can tell, that’s generally true in the case of physical, non-sexual abuse, so if you were beaten as a child, you have until you’re a junior in college or your third year working at Burger King to hire that pricey attorney! Otherwise, the US is A-OK with what happened to you. Interestingly, sexual abuse often has a much longer statute – in some states, it’s up to the lifetime of the victim. Apparently emotionally abused kids can just go fuck themselves, since it’s very hard to document emotional abuse the way you can document wounds a doctor has seen. I realize there are other issues, like the problem of evidence, but for the law to blatantly suggest that sexual abuse is somehow worse than physical and emotional abuse is sending a very wrong message: all abuse is equally wrong in a moral sense.
Eventually, I found this forum, in which yet another person was asking the same question, but the respondents appear to be fellow abuse survivors. The questioner is 23 and can’t really function in life – agoraphobic (from the sound of it), unable to hold down a job, etc. All of this could easily be attributed to the abuse the person describes enduring. Here is my favorite response:
I have been doing a lot of research on the same topic for the past few day’s it seems to me that it is quite feasible although I would speculate that a lot of lawyers would not want to dirty their hands with such a case, there are as the other person who commented said; who see the sanctity of family as untouchable. As the threes of us, along with many others know; there is no sanctity in abuse.
Here, in a nutshell, is America’s concept of family values: we need babies, because babies become consumers who buy crap. We mustn’t allow anything to discourage people from making babies. It doesn’t matter if the babies are born addicted to something and grow up in a slum with no education, or they’re born to wealth and made to pay for it with sexual favors from an early age. It’s all good, because as long as they are eating and wearing clothes, businesses can make money off of these kids. That’s what America values.
And heaven forbid anyone check in with the adult children of the people making and supporting these laws.
{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
I looked into this a long time ago. I think there were a few cases where people successfully sued for sexual abuse and the reparations were paid out of the home owner’s liability insurance. Then we got the “false memory” backlash, because now that money was involved, people started taking these victims seriously (so had to discount them).
The thing that has always gotten me is that I’m on the dole, and my parents have a lot of money, compared to most, but the government shows no interest in going after their money themselves (to repay supporting me). I do know, however, that my parents can’t disinherit me. It makes no sense.
Actually, now that I think about it, there was a case in
Calgary awhile back of an offspring suing the parent for serious emotional/physical abuse and succeeding. It was a token success, though, because the mother didn’t have any real money. But still, it would have been validating. I wanted to hire that lawyer so bad.
Anemone(Quote) (Reply)
I wonder if those successful sexual abuse cases were kids against abusive parents, or kids against priests and other non-familial adults? I do remember some cases being brought against priests, but can’t remember how they turned out.
I wasn’t too shocked to discover these lawsuits don’t happen/succeed much – I learned last year as a tenant whose rights were being clearly violated that unless you can afford a lawyer, your rights may as well not exist. What really disheartens me in all this was how vigorous people were in assuring these people, “Aw, a lawsuit would only cause you pain! Just let it go! You’ll feel better!” And those were the kindest responses.
I really think, deep down, we must hate kids. I can’t rationalize it any other way. I think making sure kids grow up reasonably happy and healthy is important for all of society, even those of us who don’t raise kids ourselves – because abused kids so often grow up to hurt others. To me, it seems so obvious that this is important, but when you try to talk about it frankly, people react as if you’re trying to destroy society rather than trying to, you know, cure it of cancer.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
I think it was parents/stepparents. What I’ve seen of cases against priests is that you get class action suits and settlements, with the male victims getting bigger payouts than the female ones. :p
Alice Miller talks about how people seem afraid to challenge parental authority. It would undermine everything they believe in.
Anemone(Quote) (Reply)
It would undermine everything they believe in.
I’m not familiar with Alice Miller, but someone was telling me recently about an author who says most Americans have what he calls an authoritarian personality – meaning, they want an authority figure to boss them around their entire lives. That’s why they like politicians who want to legislate what we can do in our personal lives and so on. I speculate that the only reason an adult could crave this is because they’re terrified of being responsible for their own choices – they want Daddy Government or Daddy Religion or any faux daddy they can find to make all their decisions and take all the blame.
For people who can’t stand responsibility, giving up freedom to the point of losing autonomy is a small price to pay.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php
I think what she’s saying is that admitting that child abuse is bad would be the same as admitting their own parents were cruel to them, and most people can’t go there. Some of us, of course, have nothing to lose.
Anemone(Quote) (Reply)
I see. That makes sense – people who have bought into the abuse cycle as normal human behavior don’t want the wake-up call that informs them they were abused. Or that they are abusing someone else.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
There was this tabloid article from years ago that’s always stuck with me. It was about how Rhiannah (the singer) has nothing to do with her father, who is, they would have it, wasting away in poverty while his ungrateful daughter refuses to give him a penny.
The first thing I thought of was that, well, maybe he was abusive and she has every right to let him rot in poverty. (And knowing what we do now, she certainly wouldn’t be the first woman from an abusive home to get involved with abusive men as an adult.) Hell, maybe she IS just an ungrateful brat. We don’t know – but the ‘ungaretful brat’ scenario seems to be the default logic, not just with Rhiannah, but EVERYONE when it come sto their parents.
Scarlett(Quote) (Reply)
Yep, Scarlett. I can also recall a few celebs openly stating they’re out of contact with a parent, and fans weep and handwring and hope they will be reunited. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to explain to them: there are people in this world who are completely without compassion and empathy. Being in contact with folks like that is not healthy just because you share genes with them. Would you urge a child of a serial killer to keep in touch with the killer? Well, Jesus, never mind – I bet some people would. I recommend they do that themselves instead, lord have mercy.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
Yeah, I remember hearing about Sarah McLachlan, who’s adopted, had requested her adoption records be closed because she didn’t want contact with her biological parents, and reading comments along the lines of ‘but how she could be so heartles?’ and thinking, well, who really knows the details other than McLachlan herself so who is anyone to judge?
Reminds me of a friend of mine who was adopted who had no interest in meeting her biological parents. She didn’t have any ‘you abandoned me, I hate you’ issues, she just saw her adoptive parents *as* her parents and her biological parents as strangers that she had no interest in meeting. Made perfect sense to me, but apparantly she had gotten a lot of crap over the years for not having this deep curiosity about her biological parents, like that made her disloyal or something.
Scarlett(Quote) (Reply)
Sorry, a bit OT. Just to do with this hung-up that so many people have that we owe somuch loyalty, support, time and effort to our parents just because we share DNA.
Scarlett(Quote) (Reply)
My parents divorced. My dad was quick to apologize for his role in causing the divorce and offered his time, money and assistance whenever I needed it. My mom however, began “brainwashing” my brothers and I by creating viscious slander about my dad and force feeding it on a daily basis. Also she would bring her alcholic boyfriend over to exact his will on us while she smoked her cigarette. Between the screaming, swearing and threats, I was blessed with chronic depression and severe anxiety among other emotional disorders. I WILL find a way to recover damages from her if it takes me 10 years. I’m already screwed up so I have nothing to lose.
Jenen(Quote) (Reply)
Some of the abuse children suffer is directly connected to the fact of their oppression by adult culture. I wanted to respond to this article because I think that learning about youth rights is an important part of facing the issue of child abuse, and thinking of ways to counter it. Youth rights is a huge topic and so I can’t be detailed here, especially since I’m not an expert. I just care about the subject and have done some reading about youth rights in an attempt to understand the abuses I faced in my own youth, and still tend to face when I’m mistaken for a youth at my present age.
Children aren’t considered to be ordinary human beings (with privileges and rights) until they are adults. Not only do they not have the same rights or privileges, but they are often judged and subjected to laws based solely on adult fears. This magic age when someone becomes an adult is always shifting based on the adult culture’s preference or perception. For example, I’ve read that some children (oppressed human beings) don’t become “real” adults until they are over 26 years of age. The arbitrariness of this magic age makes the oppression more profound since there is no agreement as to when you will be emancipated from it. Apparently all of us experience this oppression because all of us experience childhood.
It’s the responsibility of each adult when they become an adult to not treat other young people in the same oppressed way that they were treated. I encourage everyone to seek out youth rights resources, especially if you have been hurt by oppression/abuse in your youth. It’s empowering to learn about different ways of interacting with people in order to help prevent the spread of abusive behavior. It’s worthwhile to research the subject and try to think of ways to help or change so that more young people don’t grow up thinking that this is the way the world should work.
I think a lot of adults abuse children because they are feeling and acting on this adult privilege. I think it’s important to learn better ways of interacting with people of all ages so that no one has to feel like they are less than human. Unfortunately prevalent culture likes to enforce the hate. I still experience youth oppression everywhere in the USA, and most people consider it normal. Many adults fear prejudice from youth. My experience is that the prejudice definitely goes both ways, but tends to originate from the adults and their desire to uphold their positions of privilege.
Laura(Quote) (Reply)
Great article! I live with a person in late middle-age, who continues to suffer the ill-effects of her mother’s physical and psychological abuse. She received extensive therapy in her 20s, so she could teach successfully. The therapy continued into her 30s, as she completed graduate degrees (MA, then PhD) in Counseling and English. In her late 30s, as she finished grad school, I felt shocked when her mother insisted she take an unsuitable position in a hostile school, when there was a more appropriate position at a school that was more stable. My partner’s employers treated her like dirt from day one, then tried to take her tenure. Her parents attended the hearing, then sided with the school after my partner beat them at their own game. Over the course of 20 years, she suffered still more abuse from the employers, as well as from her mother (often joined by her dad), who took exception to nearly everything my partner did, especially her staying with me. Unfortunately, two male therapists, including the one who had helped my partner years before, kept discouraging her from changing jobs or cutting off contact with her parents. Other family members also engage in abuse. The whole situation is disgusting. I felt furious at the insistence of the male therapists that my partner keep seeing her family, despite all their abusive behavior. In the last few years, my partner was diagnosed with six different mental disorders, some of which were deemed hereditary. Finally, her school board moved to revoke her tenure. It took more than a year, but she finally reached an agreement with the board, though at considerable personal cost. She seems to suffer from a form of Stockholm Syndrome, as she finds it hard to cut off contact, no matter how abusive her mother remains. We need legislation to make it legal to sue such abusers without a statute of limitations. The damage these cretins cause lasts a lifetime, though it can be managed through therapy and/or medication. There should be a special hell for the abusers and their enablers.
Alex W(Quote) (Reply)
Yes, but therapy and meds cost money – which is precisely why it needs to be actionable. Or, rather, that’s a reason the law can understand.
I’m surprised two therapists recommended not cutting off contact with the family. I’ve known a number of therapists who recommended cutting off contact – of course, in all those situations, the abuser and abused were living together, and that’s a more mission critical situation (there’s a fair chance someone will wind up dead sooner or later). But what good could possibly come of staying in touch with people who clearly aren’t going to change, and are just causing immense damage?
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
Although this is a belated addition to the thread, I just wanted to comment on my personal ambivalence about suing parents for abuse, whether physical or emotional. I worry that if it became the norm, parents would be more inclined to either murder their children or at least encourage situations where the child’s life is endangered, such as leaving them unsupervised, turning a blind eye to drug use, or allowing them to associate with dangerous individuals.
Despite the obvious drawbacks to suing the state, I think the better approach would be to pursue compensation from social services and other authorities for failing to do their jobs properly.
At the moment, there’s little incentive to hold parents accountable for what in most cases is summarily written off as “poor parenting” that’s rarely classified as interpersonal violence simply by virtue of the biological relationship. The inexplicable importance of blood ties is clear, given that in the rare cases where parents have been sued, they are almost invariably adoptive or foster parents, even though on the whole adoptive and foster parents are probably less abusive than biological parents (an assumption given the screening processes involved for the former two but obviously not the latter).
As a survivor of abuse, I think that validation is the greatest obstacle toward recovery; being able to put the blame where it’s due and not on the victim would be a great help to many survivors. As much as I’d love to sue at least one of my parents (if only for the psychological counseling I need but can’t afford), I see normalizing that kind of litigation doing more harm than good. I may well be wrong, but there’s probably no easy way to find out. In the meantime, I think that holding the state accountable for monitoring at-risk children, providing counseling for both parents and children, and imposing sanctions on abusive parents (including fines, probation, and imprisonment) is a step in the right direction.
Aimee(Quote) (Reply)
I totally respect your opinion, but I don’t like the idea that “Oh, no, it might provoke them to do something worse!” is ever an acceptable rationale for not upsetting abusers. I mean, that’s the very emotional rationale they depend on throughout the abuse. Just my thinking.
I don’t claim to have THE solution, either.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
IMO the best solution would be to start selling the idea of community again, and stop spreading the FUD about stranger danger etc. (in so far as it is sensationalised over the actual risks), so that children and parents are expected to be part of the community, and as such the community acts as a safety net to spot abusers and a) defuse the situation by giving the child/adult a way to get out and b) lots of people that can inform the authorities.
It’s not a silver bullet by any means any more than social services, restraining orders, etc. are silver bullets, but together they can reduce the occurrences of abuse to a lot lower levels.
DragonLord(Quote) (Reply)
I agree that this would at least help. But it also means getting people to give up their delusion that the Nice White Judge/Doctor/Well-Dressed Gentleman couldn’t possibly be abusing children and the weirdly-dressed recluse probably is. It’s almost the exact opposite: many abusers work hard to fit into society, because they know that’s how to avoid getting held accountable.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
The laws have been slighted over the years so that now only legal or professional individuals have a right to speak with a child. A neighbor making a comment to a child or making an accusation towards a family are more likely to be sued for their just actions. Its a catch 22 like a medic saving someones life on the street would be sued for malpractice.
I blame it on the lawyers who have organized a greed cause empowered by past lawyers now judges and representatives who understand that lower middle class and lower class individuals can’t get a leg up to fight because they cannot afford it and therefore have to take one on the chin and walk away psycologicaly dameaged to the community psychiatrist who may or may not have fifteen minutes to hand them a tissue.
Okay, so this isn’t optimistic, I would sure like to be, it is what I see trying to find help myself. But once you start seeing the psych, people start talking and soon you are damaged goods not able to get help and red flags pop up everywhere you go because they are afraid you’ll pop. You know if you tell your story you will be spreading the disease of abuse by giving others ideas your parents got away with and making your own life transparent for the rest of the abusers in the world to prey on. Including prison systems who need a solid body count to stay operating each year.
The cycle needs to be broken and it can only happen if enough people raise their voices. But the abused know that this is a catch 22 and the transparencies lead to reliving the horrid events they went through in their lives.
Community watch is a great idea, if they are not convinced by your parents that you are a bad seed. Even neighbors will bend to extend the leash of abuse if they have been silver tongued to belive the child is bad. Take it from a survivor who carried fear of death for years conciously and subconciously for many years still. There are no safety nets! Only fear! Better to just shut up and pray they don’t pick your number.
Who Knew(Quote) (Reply)
My problems are immense. I posed the question to myself: “Could I use my money to sue my parents for my rapeS, physical abuse, circumcision, and psychological abuse?” “Could I win or at least create a new precedent in my life that is not themed by misery, confusion, and gridlock?” Some bullshit popped up but this article made my morning. I don’t know what to do. My life does seem to increase in complexity as a result of my coming out of my parent’s bodies and discovering my unwritten and oft-ignored rights. I have a likeness, I fight causing her any pain. I fight oppressing her as I am aware that I was oppressed to my parents joy. Frankly, I would like to murder both my parents but I am ambivalent to durance vile and being in the total care and control of government for my entire life; there’s my likeness to consider; then the diet. I don’t like feeling the feelings they created for me. I don’t like the control they have on my genetic directions. I don’t like that they live free of pain, pain in me that they originated. I refuse to endanger myself or my likeness. The US government and all governments are run by ol’ ass adults or young people who act like ol’ ass adults and accomplices to youth rights undermine. Every morning I feel powerless to fight the reality that “they” did a whole lot to me. My body has a hard time recovering from it. Thus, I thought jurisprudence might be a solution. Societies, civilizations don’t care about children but they are a link to the great, the ageless, and the unborn aspects of what makes biology and existence work. I know this. I have a likeness and what I seek most is to protect us both from what has happened to me. I have the feelings, I even have the facts. I don’t have the answers. Are the questions the answers? I find comfort in knowing that I don’t seem to be the only child asking this question. This trend could lead somewhere vast and effective. DEATH TO PARENTS!!!!
B.J. Hartley(Quote) (Reply)
Ok I want you all to understand something here. I am the most abused man on this planet In fact I am writing a Book called How to Raise a Murderer Hopefully after what I am about to do to my parents for what they have done will be made big enough publicly to help get my book published so people understand what causes adults to go insane and it is what there parents did to them. In brief summary I am 34, I am terrified to go outside I cant deal with people without getting becoming the monster I was raised to be. At the age of 3 is my earliest memory as a child My dad beat me with the hook of his belt. I dont remeber much I just remeber him standing over me I remeber the blood on the back of the couch and him sceaming at me calling me a retard. At the age of four my dad beat my mother grabbed her by the hair and put shotted her down the stairs. at the age of 5 I was intriduced to the depths of the crawl space at the age of 6 my father used the metal hook of a hanger to beat me all over my entire body. I still have scars under my arms and atop of my head from that one. At the age of 8 my sister was two yrs old my dad picked her up infront of me and slammend her into the wall for crying then proceeded to try to drown her in the kitchen sink. I would go to school everyday in so much pain i could hardly move. I didnt do well in school cause I spent my days terrified to go home. MY PARENTS DID NOT DRINK AND DID NOT DO DRUGS they were just plainly sic people. and it ran in the family at the age of 14 my dads uncle came to town and proceeded to try to perform an exorsism on me. they held me under ater by my throat preventing me from breathing they ripped off my clothes and sent me out to the yard calling me demon and telling me that I must be stopped that I am a product of the devil himself. I was later rapped that very night by my dads own brother. NOT ONE PERSON HAS EVER LISTENED TO ME. and for years my parents have told my therapists I am lying that I am delussional. NOT ANY MORE I am going to make them ALL STOP.
Patrick Scrivano(Quote) (Reply)
“Death to parents”? “How to raise a murderer”? *whew* …How is it that these dubious walls of text made it past moderation?
Casey(Quote) (Reply)
Jennifer I completely agree with you. You cannot fathom the immensity of my frustration with this government because of this specific topic. I am a seventeen year old minor, and for years I have been physically and emotionally abused by my father. No he has never raped me, but he has beaten me repeatedly, thrown me against walls, screamed my ears out, and called me words I wouldn’t dare call my worst enemy. Yet not one person does anything to stop it. I don’t have a mother, and my stepmother is too in love with him to even notice how he abuses her as well. I have seeked help at school, seen all their counselors and psychologists but they tell me that unless I legally accuse him of abuse and have evidence to prove it they can’t do anything. I have tried called 9/11 after he has beaten me but because my stepmother is practically unable to sustain herself and her small child without my father and because she is blindly in love with him she has begged me repeatedly not to do it. Yes the bruises fade within days, but living in this torment doesn’t and it has gotten to the point in which even my grades reflect that I can’t deal with another drop falling on my cup of tea. Yet because I’m a minor I have no rights, I have no voice, and he can get away with everything.
Anonymous(Quote) (Reply)
How do you think someone who’s been treated like that should feel? I let the comment through because it educates those who’ve been lucky enough never to have been abused on how twisted it makes people, and why it needs to be stopped BEFORE lives get ruined.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
It makes me ill. That’s too much pressure for a teenager to bear. No one at your school can be bothered to report this?
If you see a doctor for your injuries, they are supposedly required by law to report it to social services. That’s the only recourse I can think of where you might get a result without being blamed by your step mother.
It’s usually money that these assholes use to keep their victims nearby and handy. If I ever win the lottery or get rich somehow, that will be my cause: getting some laws changed to give abused dependents far more recourse.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
Sorry, it’s just due to the massive walls of text and lack of grammar that I thought they were troll-posts (like when somebody trying to “appease” feminists write something like DEATH TO ALL MEN).
Casey(Quote) (Reply)
This is how affraid my father was at the post I made. He caled the police they came today he called them over the post I made. The police asked him is the stuff in the post true he hung up on them end of conversation.
I am not accually goiong to physically kill my parents, but yes sometimes i do have serious Suicidal thoughts sometimes I wish they were dead or that I could kill myself at birth. My dad was called back several times while the officers where here see he lied to them to get them here. he said that I made this post and that there was a picture of a gun to my head online also. Thier is no gun anywhere on any blog or website or in my home. I am glad of that its probably why I am alive honestly.
I am writing the book I am up to 2400 pages now. I am writing it to make parants aware of how damaging they can be to the minds of there young when they put us thru abuse like I have been thru. My own dad got called out [City] police department then when re questioned himself couldnt answer if my post was true avaded their questions. I showed the officer today this post I have a case number even based on it. I also showed him my book I printed out what I wrote so far its been added to the file. The officer is 100&% behind me and what I did. My father is affraid of me now that I came out in public for the first time and told you all what he did to me. HE IS AFFRAID BECAUSE HE IS GUILTY HIMSELF.
No charges where filed on me no charges will ever be filed on me for my post I have the support I need finnaly I have the support of the [City] Police here in [state]. They finnaly understand they saw my scars they saw my pain they saw what he did just by telling me he called them on me. I havent seen my dad in yrs and now if i were to see him hopefully it will be behind bars when me and my sister are done with dad.
Patrick Scrivano(Quote) (Reply)
Ohh and just one more small thing. I dont troll post I am honestly looking for true justice. I only blogged a few times it was on myspace check it by name u can read my poetry u can feel and understand my pain thru it. just use my first and last name on google. I am a very real genuine guy who has been put thru the worst in life. I start blogging all my works and all my entries. No i dont spell the best sometimes I dont use alot of puncutation I have poor gramar but the point is there. If u read the first post you would see why i cant type or spell really well with out assistance. I WAS TERRIFIED OF MY HOME TO THE POINT THAT IT EFFECTED MY CONCENTRATION IN SCHOOL> THAT I SPENT MY DAY IN SCHOOL THINKING ABOUT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN I GET HOME. ( Is it going to be safe tonight, am I going to have to go to my friend mike’s house or brians, or tony’s just to be safe and if i do go there am I going to get hurt anyway later for not going home right away. Am i going to get in truouble again cause i cant Spell good. And is going to be a close hanger a belt a 2×4 a golf club a bed post or just simply me being taken to the groiund and punched ontop of the head until i cant breath) and if i lie about where i am to protect my friends is he going to wrap my entire head in shipping tape or am i going to be forced to drink down a bottle of 5/30 in the garage by the lawn mower. (these are the things my DAD has done to me. I Cant get what he did out of my mind and the sickest part of all of it is all I ever wanted was for that son of a bitch to be proud of me
Patrick Scrivano(Quote) (Reply)
Oh and the big thing I am doing my big pay back I spoke of is the write in to Dr. Phil and working with his producers to go public with my story live on national TV as soon as I am ready to have it published. I want help I want the monster in me to Die I want it to die because I HAVE CHILDREN and hes starting to come out in me I really want help and while doing so I’d like to help the others like me. I just wish our justice system would help us and alow us to pursue legal action I dont weant money from my parents I just want them to pay for what they did. And to make other parents understand that it wont be tolerated anymore in our society.
Patrick Scrivano(Quote) (Reply)
The reason I;m looking this up is because I;m finding It;s leagal to Paddle.Though it’s with a 12-14 inch cutting board .half inch thick,It’s legal. in other words if I call social services for the protection of an 8 year old 5yr and 2yrs I’m taking a chance of never seeing my grand children till there 18.The damage will have been done.I want to help but what should I do? The boys are good well be haved now but how will they be 15 years from now? They go to church almost daily.they know the bible scriptures good for their age.It’s driven into them The every minute of there day.The Bishop is telling these parents “you must whooop your kids”And It’s ok to leave marks and bruises.HELP!!!!
patty(Quote) (Reply)
What if one of these boys sustain real damage some day.I’ll have to live with that.I googled ,PREACHER ACCUSED OF PADDLING PARISHIONERS FACES JUDGE, this is the church they go to.Should I be cancerned ? The church is a cult.I don’t know where to turn be cauce it’s leagal???????? Parents can literally Whoooop their kids and and bruise their bottoms and they expect these kids to take care of them when they’re aged adults.I Never spanked my daughter ,she’s never been envolved with the law,never done drugs,never been a drinker and never spanked the boys until she started this church.SO where did I go wrong?So if they are messed up adults ,I ask, can they sue their parents for abuse???
patty(Quote) (Reply)
I wanted to touch base on this. Since my first post and telling my story. It destroyed the front that parents put on for so many years. My dad tried to.get my story removed off this website he even took. Legal action against me to try to get me to have this removed. All of his attempts failed.
And in the end i come out a stronger person. The past few months i have become happier calmer and more active. I suck out the career of my dreams and have achieved it i am going to college now and am taken a better turn in my life. I know now that father can no longer hurt me or harras me. I filed federal charges against my parents for credit fraudas they used mine and my sisters names for many yrs. And until laws change i finnaly.got some sort of justice out of this.
I encourage everyone who has been severly abused to come out and speak publicly let it be known as its the only justice we can get.
Just be cautious to post only the truth and be rdy to prove it. Slander is serious so keep to the facts my dad lost his law suit as i was able to prove everything in my story..
patrick scrivano(Quote) (Reply)
As a point of interest, Patrick’s father also contacted me and said I needed to remove his comments from the site or he would seek legal action against me, and to contact the detective handling the case for confirmation.
I knew legally I didn’t need to remove the comments. But I contacted the detective.because if the comments were causing harm, then that would be another consideration, and I only trusted a third party to be objective. The detective assured me there was no problem with leaving the comments up, and congratulated me on the site’s aims of providing a safe space for people who need one. So I left them up, but I did edit out some tiny bits of information that could potentially (doubtfully, but not impossibly) have identified one of Patrick’s sisters to someone who knew her, just to protect her. That was the last I heard of it until now.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
patrick scrivano,
I’d just like to chime in to say that Patrick, it’s great to hear that things are going better for you now!
Cinnabar(Quote) (Reply)
patrick scrivano,
Like Cinnabar I would also like to say I am glad you are doing well!
The Other Anne(Quote) (Reply)
i know i’m a latecomer to this post, but this is so important i had to say something–i dont know much about the particulars of family law, but i do know that in america we have this generalized cultural notion that parents own their children–this idea reared its ugly head even in my home, and my parents were basically decent folks—but toxic ideas can produce bad fruit even in good ppl
maggiemay(Quote) (Reply)
I agree – I think the concept of “ownership” is very toxic in general, and not just in homes. Parents are meant to be more like stewards, guiding their children through the process of growing up, not treating their children like something to be consumed.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
consumed–thats an interesting way 2 look @it—i kinda felt more like they were putting me on display—U kno, trying 2 mold & shape me against my natural grain so that others would think they were “good” parents–4 the most part they were, but every now & then they’d slip N2 this “what will the neighbors think” bullshit—or they would wonder Y my taste in music or clothes wasn t under their control–that sort of thing
maggiemay(Quote) (Reply)
Just found this thread now. I don’t think any of us are true survivors of parental mental abuse unless somehow the parent(s) who are guilty are made to pay amends or reparations. Only after, can the painful luggage be put away forever. Otherwise, it’s pack it right back up and stuff it back into your soul. Can an Adult Child sue a parent in Canada for mental abuse? What about if one parent admits their guilt publicly? Does it have to be an expensive process for me to seek reparations? Is reparations from a wealthy family a pipe dream for me? My own father just admitted to me this past Christmas that he himself had wondered if he is in fact my biological father. Imagine your Father saying that to you. Even at 47 years old, these people are absolutely torturing my soul.
Monte(Quote) (Reply)
Monte,
I agree that we all need some kind of closure, but I don’t think reparation is the only way to get it. If it was, closure would be virtually hopeless, and we might as well just kill ourselves.
That said, I’ll leave some jaws wide open by spouting this practical truth: real closure comes when they’re dead. I’m not wishing anyone dead or advocating killing anybody, but the sad fact is: people who can abuse their kids without being sorry about it don’t change. If you have a parent who just won’t let go, even though you’ve cut off all contact and tried to keep them from knowing where you live (which means you can’t ever make a name for yourself in your profession, either!), and they just keep tracking you down and trying to abuse you from afar, then you know this will be your lot in life until they are dead. Even if, like me, you have a lot of legal options for making them wish they’d never bothered you, there’s just never any assurance the harassment will end once and for all until THEY end, once and for all. Because they don’t ever learn that they were wrong.
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
Your expressions on all forms of true abuse struck a chord with me (as a fellow Psychological Abuse victim). I admire your articulation, and your passion (supported by truth), with much of of it reflecting my very own thoughts and feelings. Could you imagine my surprise as I was researching Emotional Abuse on the net, finding your Thread and reading your articles which contained thoughts, words and experiences that I felt were unique to me, but obviously I’m not alone. I wanted to simply thank you for putting your suffering into words for others to learn from, or for others to relate to, or find strength in. Any form of abuse, be it Psychological or Physical, hemorrhages everlasting inner pain, for the victims to endure. Life’s luggage is brutally heavy, and the system for support is really broken for victims who seek help, amends and justice.
Monte(Quote) (Reply)
I’d like to know how victims of Psyche-Abuse are supposed to fight back against the perpetrators? The victims are generally held in a perpetual state of powerlessness by their families I suspect (based upon imbalance of power within birth families. When victims are children, they are stuck with their dysfunctional families, but if they survive childhood into adulthood, then what? Their MUST be an legal avenue for justice to be instilled on the victims behalf, otherwise, the law says, throw caution to the wind. What else, take up arms?
Victims should really join forces, but most victims just quietly keep the psyche damages bottled up, so they can continue to function in this world. We all know that once we open that bitter bottle again, once it’s been sealed (like a bottle of Coke with a Mentos Mint in it that has been shaken by abuse), everything and then some flows passionately out, included with it, much anger at being victimized, and still held powerless to seek justice. And ‘anger’ is easily misunderstood too, especially by outsiders, or Couch Coaches (those that like to give shallow responses to write-off or belittle the ugly truth of the matter from a safe distance away).
From Wikipedia: Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.
I believe too the Wikipedia definition should be expanded to include a more expanded list of ailments and long term Neurological damage that victims suffer from scapegoat-ism, isolation, alienation, self blame, self loathing and I could think of other inclusions for that page.
Monte(Quote) (Reply)
Monte,
That’s just it, though, Monte. There IS no legal recourse. This is a society that condones abuse, pure and simple, and that’s why this site exists.
My abuser’s psychiatrist (who was also my psychiatrist) advised me to cut off all contact with my abuser. I tried, but this eventually meant also cutting off all contact with our mutual relatives, because they absolutely refused to understand it wasn’t a tiff, it wasn’t something that needed to be talked through, that our relative was simply an abusive asshole in private and a nice person only in public. So the onus is on the abused to cut people off. And some of those people have made it clear they assume *I* am the asshole, the ungrateful bitch, whatever. I’ve had to harden myself to that, get over missing them, get over how hurtful their willful ignorance was. It’s all been my problem, and my abuser? Still abusing people I care about, and expecting to get away with it.
The only thing you can do is go public. That’s what Hilary Adams did, and because she had video, more people believed her than blamed her for her own abuse. (Read more at my other site: http://thehathorlegacy.com/hillary-adams-child-abuse-on-film/). That opens up another legal can of worms, because there are conditions under which abusers can sue you for defamation even when you are telling the truth. Some states/nations put the burden on you to prove you were telling the truth, and how many of us have concrete evidence of what happened to us? Especially emotional abuse, which isn’t always obvious, even on film. Other states/nations put the burden on the plaintiff to prove you were lying. The US used to not even care if it was true – if the abuser lost money, then you were a bad person and owed them money FOR TELLING THE TRUTH.
That’s why it’s also not enough just to criticize our abusers. This society collaborates with and shelters abusers because, I dunno – people have some fucked up ideas about bully power equaling strength of character? Whatever it is they think, it’s wrong, and it needs to change. Once it stops being socially acceptable to harm your family as long as you treat important people like your boss real nice, then some of the abuse will stop (because many abusers crave social approval, and will curtail their desired behavior to get it).
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)