Being nice should mean being genuinely kind, caring and empathetic. But in reality, the standard’s much lower. Just saying “please” and “thank you”, tucking your shirt in and failing to commit violent crimes can win you the “nice” label.
And yet we put huge amounts of value on that label. “Nice” young men can avoid rape convictions even when the jury admits they think they forced sex – because the jury can’t see that forcing sex makes a person not nice, even if he dresses preppy, has a great smile and helps old ladies across the street. Conversely, “nice” young women don’t get raped, and if a woman is raped, it’s instantly taken as proof by these very same people that she wasn’t nice after all. (Of course, many people are not that dense; I’m just illustrating a point with what I hope are examples familiar to us all.)
And then the jurors in this situation are also “nice”. They clean their teeth, are good neighbors, maybe go to church. Juries who flat-out state that they believe there was forced sex but that’s what the slut deserved somehow do not get disqualified from “nice”. They don’t go home to find their neighbors turning a cold shoulder… because the neighbors are also “nice”.
Throughout history, “nice” people have had slaves when it was the trend. “Nice” people have decided to believe other “nice” people incapable of abuse when accused (usually by women, children, or people of lesser race, class, orientation or other privilege). “Nice” people think it’s rude when, after they’ve nosed incessantly into the question of why you don’t talk to your mother, you inform them that she can’t seem to refrain from emotionally abusing you if you allow her the slightest contact with you. You were supposed to tell them what they wanted to hear, even if it was a lie. Lying is “nice.”
Civilization is supposed to shield “nice” people from unpleasant truths! How dare someone violate the sanctity of ignorance! Never mind home truths like the fact that something like 1 in 5 children are sexually molested before they reach 16, and the vast majority of “nice” people are deluded into thinking they know no one who either was molested or committed molestation. Thus perpetuating the cycle.
“Nice” in this context means “privileged” – nothing more, nothing less. It’s the mechanism that allows raging maniacs to declare that they’re super-nice guys and women are stupid, filthy hos for not begging to suck them off and get all sorts of sympathy. Being “nice” alleviates your responsibility to fix a system which benefits you at the expense of others.
“Nice” allows that minority of truly evil people – the ones who actively create situations of slavery, abuse, discrimination, etc. – to go much further than they would have without the enabling of nice folks who “see no evil”, and imagine they can “do no evil” just because they never forget birthdays.
I hate “nice” people. I know that’s not very nice of me, but I prefer someone whose motto is “see all evil, hear all evil, fight all evil.”
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“Nice” people think it’s rude when, after they’ve nosed into someone’s personal business with the question “Why don’t you love Christmas like nice people do?” and the person tells the all-too-common truth: “Because my family always had knock-down drag-out fights on Christmas”.
I’ve been running through this type of “privilege” in my head a lot lately, and I’ll likely write something about it myself soon. It’s another layer of blaming the victim, really–the person who is being ‘unseemly’ is the person who calls out the crappy behaviour, the person who refuses to stay silent about the bullshit that’s being thrown about, the person who reveals the illusions for what they are. Missing the point on the ‘who started it’ issue.
I like your motto. I want to steal it.
Purtek(Quote) (Reply)
I know this is a very old post, but I stumbled across it and wanted to thank you for writing it.
This was a day I needed reminding that the lovely people who look at you, appalled and awkward and horrified or exasperated, when you throw a flag on the worship of someone who did something evil, may be the “nice” guys, but they aren’t the good guys.
Kascendant(Quote) (Reply)
As Bikini Kill sang: “I’m so sorry if I’m alienating some of you/your whole fucking culture alienates me.” I always thought those lyrics were really powerful and true, because there’s no way to dismantle oppressive power structures without alientating/offending people, being “angry,” “not nice,” “improper,” et cetera. We’re allowed to be pissed off when we’re being pissed on.
This post is oool, I like it.
Genevieve(Quote) (Reply)
Very well put. When I was first dealing with memories of horrendous abuse, I learned the hard way that 99% of people DON’T want to hear it. Even one’s friends.
Adam(Quote) (Reply)
Hey, I’ve been reading through your archives and came across this post only recently.
“See all evil, hear all evil, fight all evil”
Jennifer, I hope you don’t mind but I am going to have that motto tattooed somewhere on my personage! =D
Aconite(Quote) (Reply)
LOL, go for it!
Jennifer Kesler(Quote) (Reply)
Some people can’t get it through their heads that you can be innocent and not nice just as you can be nice and not innocent.
I have an uncle who is ‘nice’. He cultivates that image. That’s why people are willing to trust him with their children. Those of us who know better are looked upon as creating disharmony, and therefore we aren’t ‘nice’ to that ‘sweet old man’.
Conversely, his brother is not ‘nice’. He swears, drinks, smuggles illegal fireworks, has tattoos, long hair, and a somewhat scraggly beard. Looks scary as hell. The last time I visited with him I witnessed him get in the face of a street harasser, told him he should be ashamed of himself, made him apologize to the lady (who incidentally, was not someone society would generally consider to be a ‘lady’) and stood there until the harasser followed the order to get lost. Definitely not ‘nice’. Most assuredly awesome.
GardenGoblin(Quote) (Reply)
Can I just tell you that I love you and your sites? I regularly read something that makes me rethink and reconsider and learn. Thank you. I am indeed privileged to be able to read this.
T. O. Patrick(Quote) (Reply)
Ah, the case of ‘judging a book by it’s cover’. A commonly held belief that if someone ‘looks’ nice, then they much BE nice.
I’m sure a lot of people thought L. Ron Hubbard was ‘nice’, with his ascot and perfectly groomed hair. But things like practicing medicine without a license, abuse, tax evasion and praying on the minds and souls of the lonely and desperate to suck them dry of money, will and sense of self is NOT nice by ANY stretch.
Red(Quote) (Reply)
Uhh… do I wanna KNOW what kind of person your ‘nice’ uncle is?
On your uncle’s brother: Aw, one of those ‘prickly on the outside, sweet on the inside’ types. I like him already!
Red(Quote) (Reply)
If I had Christmas’s like that person, I’d be bitter, too.
If anything, I’d feel bad for that person that their family can’t let it go for JUST ONE DAY and enjoy the season together. Then I’d invite them to a Christmas party made up of friends where we can all have fun and away from such drama.
Red(Quote) (Reply)
im 37 just relized i was like alot of you beat,neglected,abused my hole life shit over 35 years.my mother everyone love nicest person lol she watched heard was told about my sis and dad and brothers pulled there shit.getten stoned drunk and playing doc with sis around 5 ys old was cool to i didnt know how to be a parent but the nice x-wife held it together.my fam loved her.now i cant see my kids or even talk to them after calling them on there shit.my family testedfied agenst me saying my mental stabuilty was uncertin and think i might use drugs.a long story at first i was ashamed took all i had to tell now i get in there face and call them on it.now im a pysco so on and so on.this payday im heading in for my polygraph test getting copys sending to the fam and there friends then posting it on my facebook.i will be fair i will pay for there test if they pass.lol assholes.i wont go down this time.
i like reading that im not alone these posts may have saved me even though i wish noone on here had to be.i would like to hear any thing about NICE WAYS of kicken the shit out of these assholes
andy(Quote) (Reply)
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